Today was my six week postpartum check up with the doctor. I scored high on the postpartum depression checklist, but not Depression levels, which is good and expected. I'm also checking out to be healthy, healing quickly everywhere except my pelvic bones, which took a beating mid to late pregnancy, so are just taking a bit more time to heal.
The important part of this appointment, however, was the pathology report from the placenta and umbilical cord. There had been an underlying expectation to find clotting as a reason, a result of the Factor V Leiden disorder I have - proteins that can lead to blood clotting in it's carriers.
However, there was nothing. No clots and no other findings that may have shed light on Analin's loss.
I'm so relieved. Relieved that it wasn't something with my body that caused this. I have spoken to many women recently who have lost babies because of something their body did or couldn't do, and I can express my empathy with them, having believed the same. It really is a relief to find out this wasn't the case, that maybe Analin's loss really was just a fluke, maybe moving forward to possibly have more children won't be as difficult knowing she didn't die because of me.
My heart still breaks every day. I expect it always will. But I will continue to look for the brighter side of things. It really is the only way to get through this - to actively work at it, to force a perspective on myself that I don't necessarily feel at the moment. So right now, this is my silver lining, knowing there truly wasn't anything I could have done to save her - no intervention, no medicine that others with this condition have and do use.
Today, it will be enough.