Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dizzy Me

I apologize. I'm going to take a break from adding writing to my blog. I will keep posting Snapshot prompts for you, and continue with the Mommy side of my blog, but I can no longer focus enough on my writing. Even my WIP is suffering.

You see, I'm getting dizzy again.

That sentence is about as hard for me to write as it is for anyone who would prefer to live in denial. It's been almost two weeks now and I haven't been able to kick it. Back to the doctor's again. For something no one has been able to figure out for nearly 15 years.

My syncope (fainting) started when I was 16. I went through test after test, medication after medication, one that turned me into a zombie, able to move through the day but not participate in it. I learned from that time how to control the fainting, so I don't do that anymore. The dizziness is another matter.

It hit again a bit in college, right toward the end. Then I felt better again for a few years. When it came back, it was devastating. I'd been told my condition allowed me to drive - then one day I lost my peripheral vision while driving. Luckily, I was barely a mile from home and could turn around. I had to quit my Masters program, which means I couldn't continue my job as a Special Ed teacher, not that it mattered, because I couldn't get there, much less function once I got there. It was part of the reason my first marriage failed - he convinced his family and our neighborhood I was a hypochondriac who just didn't want to work, then decided to work overseas as a contractor.

I got worse. There were days upon days I couldn't get out of bed. The headaches were massive. My sight was incredibly weak. I was given diagnosis after diagnosis, put on medication after medication, all of which either didn't work or inspired entirely new side effects I couldn't live with. Only my neighbor, my best friend, believed me. She took care of me, made sure I ate, helped keep my house clean.

I ended up getting a divorce. My friend I'd known for 8 years heard about what was going on and flew out from England to see me. We ended up staying together, getting pregnant, getting married - a whole different story, but the important bit here is the pregnancy. It fixed me. My baby set my head right. I was able to do things again, to walk in a straight line, to go to work.

Until a year and a half later when it started all over again. We were thinking of having another baby. My doctor said go for it - we'll talk about your dizziness when it comes back next time.

So, I'm dizzy again. It isn't terrible yet, but it isn't nice. I have an appointment with a new doctor, one I'm gong to stress to I am not willing to go on the medication merry-go-round. I have two boys now, I need to take care of them, so I need this dizziness to go away without the volatile affects of random medicine.

I will participate as I can. I hate how isolated this feeling makes me. I hate how ... anyway, I hate it. I may even update you on this, but it really is hard for me to talk about. After years of emotional abuse on the issue from multiple angles ... well, I'm sure you can understand.

In the mean time, I will be enjoying the holiday season. :) Cold weather has always made me feel better, even though I've struggled with it since returning to Michigan after seven years in Arizona. Ha, maybe I'll get some more cross-stitching done. I can focus on the small stuff.

<3's and hugs.