This year has been different. Of course it's been different - I'm an entirely different person than I ever thought I could be after losing Analin. This new perspective has led me to a lot of realizations, one being that I really can do anything and be successful at it - if I just get out of my own way.
I make excuses. And I don't just mean the usual ones. I've bought in to the ones Society has outlined.
Apparently, I don't do anything. Apparently, I believe this as much as others think I really don't do anything.
To this, I mean - I get a phone call. "Carrie, what are you doing?" Oh, nothing, just taking care of the boys. "Great, because I need you to ..." Do this online research for me. Make up this flyer for me. Call this place for me and change my reservation. I am not joking - each of these requests have been asked of me, and not one of them from my husband, because I'm a stay at home mom and 'do nothing.'
Taking care of the boys is nothing? Doing two hours of pre-school with Joshua is nothing? Playing Duplos and working on Sebastian's fine motor skills and problem solving is nothing? I teach my boys to respect things and people, to eat healthy foods, to take care of themselves and others.
Why is it, I wonder, that when a woman or man stays at home to take care of their kids, they do nothing all day? Yet, when we do chose to work and send our children to day care we pay them to watch our children and do all the things stay-at-home parents do? Heck, the state helped my sister pay me while she went back to college during the week and worked on the weekends. Maybe I can apply for them to pay me to watch my own kids. Then maybe, since I'd be making a paycheck, I'd be doing something more than nothing.
I also don't do anything because I'm a 'starving artist.' Even when working on that art.
My husband (well meaning soul that he is) comes home and sees me writing, but can interrupt me and stop my process for many reasons. Believe me, when he stays at home to work, no one disturbs him. I make sure of it. And this is NOT to knock my husband. I will be the first to tell you I married the best man in the world. It's just to illustrate the same point as above.
Because I don't make money or go to an office, my writing is not valid as 'work.' It's my fault, too, because I fall into the trap, as well. So it's not as important to dedicate time and energy and purpose to.
Well, I say it's important. I say I do a hell of a lot, and a fantastic job at it all, too. My sons are happy and healthy and bring a smile to nearly everyone who meets them (withholding judgement on the people who scowl at them instead - everyone has a bad day). My writing is important to me. It makes me whole and gives me a sense of pride over this amazing talent I've been gifted with. To not write would be to waste that talent and a challenge to my happiness.
I want to be happy. In fact, I demand it. I spent too many years and nights not being happy. People have said happiness has to be found inside yourself. 'They' never tell you how to find it, or make it, or believe that you can, in fact, be happy with yourself in a society where the cookie cutter doesn't fit anyone.
Well, it took me 31 years, but I've finally figured out how to make that happen, how to carve happiness out of tragedy and hold on to it even through more hardships. And I think I've found the attitude to go with it. Believe me, you need attitude to stand your ground because all these revelations mean nothing to the people around you who still buy into the crap.
So even as I use this post to procrastinate working on my WIP, I will go back to working on it. And when the boys' wake up from nap, I will be a good Mom for them. I may even spend some time with my hubby tonight. I can do it all because I'm learning to kick the excuses to the curb. I've learned the word 'no,' and how to appreciate the everything that I do every day.
Edit: I just found this post this morning and it really goes with what I'm trying to say here. I love this guy, and am happy to say my husband is very much like him.
A Husband's Amazing Response To "She's A Stay At Home Mom, What Does She DO All Day?